***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
jump out the window naked night went bad
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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