Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize