The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
