True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
The adults are the big ones right?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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