i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
