I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
