I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
