there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize