yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
