I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
