You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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