Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
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