Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
