I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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