i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
