you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
