he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize