dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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