This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i dont even know how to be here
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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