Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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