I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
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