1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
