Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
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