Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
