I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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