you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
