if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
