My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
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