it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
