no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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