everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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