i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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