I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I party with great urgency now.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
