my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
