Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
