On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
