That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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