my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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