My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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