my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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