Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
