after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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