At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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