Your mouth is God's brothel.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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