too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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