Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
