I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
