nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
