Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
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