shes about as inviting as chlamydia
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
