Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I woke up under a house in Key West
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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