So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
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