I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
It's official drugs can't kill me
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Pants are for mortals
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
