i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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