Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
