I got chris browned last night
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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